Roseanne, the Barred Owl
photo credit: By Mdf - Taken by Mdf, CC BY-SA 3.0
Gunning for Strix varia
February 3, 2025
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, the Barred Owl of North America, Strix varia.
Oh, thank you so much. I will make a brief statement and then take questions.
As you may know, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service is literally gunning for my species. They are hoping to kill as many as a half a million of us Barred Owls over the next three decades as part of a plan to save the Spotted Owl in the Pacific Northwest. They say that we Barred Owls have invaded the territory of that latter species and that we are outcompeting it on every front. Their answer is to hire trained shooters to "take us out," so to speak1.
Well, what can I say, folks? Can I help it if the Spotted Owl is a finicky eater and insists on larger home territories than yours truly? Can I help it if I am more aggressive than Strix occidentalis, by nature, as it were? First, you guys tell us that it's survival of the fittest out here, and then you blame me for being the fittest. Humph!
Let me add, however, that all bets are off about this government culling plan on account of the regime change in Washington, D.C. It will be remembered that the current potentate -- oops, I mean the current president -- was never interested in saving the Spotted Owl to begin with, so the culling operation may not be going forward any time soon. You might think that I would have been reassured by such considerations and I was... until I reflected that the president in question is not in any hurry to protect we Barred Owls, either. I wouldn't be surprised if he approved of a culling operation for both Barred Owls AND Spotted Owls.
I guess what I'm saying here is, the political situation, like my nest cavities, is up in the air, so I would ask you to avoid politics in the questions that you ask me this morning, fair enough?
First question, please.
I am told that you Barred Owls have a distinctive call? Could you tell us what that is?
What cave have YOU been hiding under! I thought everyone knew our famous call. Well, I guess you didn't get the memo. I'll give you our famous owl call on 3, then. 1, 2, 3... "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you-all!?"
Bravo!
Of course, we make a lot of other calls too -- including one that sounds like hysterical laughter.
Cool. Could you demonstrate?
I would be delighted. Here's a sample of some of our wacky vocalizations...
Sweet!
Next question.
My sister and I have a bet going on. She says that Barred Owls can have pink feathers. I say that's ridiculous. Can you tell us the truth?
"You can't handle the truth!"
What?
Sorry, I've always wanted to say that. I actually hope that you CAN handle the truth, because guess what? Your sister is right. The feathers under our wings can turn pink whenever we Barred Owls eat too many crayfish.
Oh, I get it. It's sort of like when a flamingo eats shrimp, the beta carotene turns them pink.
Now you're speaking sense. Not that all of us Barred Owls eat crustaceans, of course, but you've got to remember that we Barred Owls are not finicky eaters, so if we happen to be near freshwater creeks and whatnot, then crayfish are definitely going to be on the menu.
Next question.
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Sure. Fire when ready.
Do you, ahem, mate for life?
Oh, that's easy. I thought you were going to ask me if I was a Mormon or something. Yes, we mate for life. We Barred Owls are all about family values, you know.
ARE you a Mormon, by the way?
Now you're just being silly. Next question, please?
What are some nicknames for the Barred Owl?
Lord help my memory. Let's see, they call us the Eight-Hooter Owl, on account of our trademark call, which more or less contains eight hoots. You know, that "Who Cooks for You" call with which I favored you earlier in this press conference.
Any others nicknames for Barred Owls?
We also have been graced with the appellations of Striped Owl, Rain Owl, and Round-Headed Owl.
And have you been, ahem, "graced" with any French appellations?
Yes, we have, smart aleck. Humph. If you must know, the French call us "Le Chat-huant du Nord," meaning "the hooting owl of the north.2"
You say you're aggressive, but aren't you actually LESS aggressive than the Great Horned Owl?
Yes, but then who is NOT less aggressive than that oversized hothead of the owl kingdom? The fact is that aggressivity is relative. I am certainly aggressive compared to a Spotted Owl, but I am far less so when confronted with a Great Horned Owl. In fact, do you know what? The Great Horned Owl is one of my fiercest enemies. It will attack my eggs, my fledglings... why, it will even attack yours truly if given the chance.
I'm sorry to hear that. Going back to your vocalizations, though, I hear that you also engage in both squirrel-like barking and monkey-like hooting. Is that true?
Guilty as charged, Your Honor.
I am puzzled.
Speak on.
Your personal name is Black-Eyed Susan, but aren't your eyes actually brown?
Are you criticizing my name?
No, I'm just sayin'...
The fact is that my eyes are a very deep brown, indeed -- so much so that they are often perceived as black.
Oh, okay.
Happy now?
Yes, thank you.
One final question and then I'd better make myself scarce. You never know when some so-called "trained shooter" in the audience is going to take a potshot at yours truly in the name of protecting the Spotted Owl. The government's culling program may not be in effect yet, but the mere existence of such a plan might incite some environmentalists to take action without regulatory approval.
You say you're not a finicky eater.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
But can you give us an idea of what you actually eat?
Well, we basically eat whatever's available in our immediate environment.
Like what?
Like, for instance... frogs, snakes, crayfish, crabs, grouse, bats, rabbits, voles, squirrels, mice, chipmunks, turtles, opossum, chickens, moles...
What about fish?
Fish, too. And salamanders. And lizards.
Wow.
Great. I am feeling ravenous after rattling off all of those delicacies. That's yet another reason why I should hit the road, Jack.
Speaking of which, don't you Barred Owls get hit by cars a lot?
Thanks for reminding me. Unfortunately, that's true, though. If you don't believe me, just search the Internet for the terms "Barred Owl" and "cars." You'll see news stories about Barred Owls being hit by cars all over the place, in the U.S. and in Canada. It's a regular scandal!
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the Barred Owl, Strix varia!
1: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Finalizes Strategy to Manage Invasive Barred Owls to Protect Imperiled Spotted Owls, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service
2: Barred Owl, Chattahoochee Nature Center
February 3, 2025
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, the Barred Owl of North America, Strix varia.
Oh, thank you so much. I will make a brief statement and then take questions.
As you may know, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service is literally gunning for my species. They are hoping to kill as many as a half a million of us Barred Owls over the next three decades as part of a plan to save the Spotted Owl in the Pacific Northwest. They say that we Barred Owls have invaded the territory of that latter species and that we are outcompeting it on every front. Their answer is to hire trained shooters to "take us out," so to speak1.
Well, what can I say, folks? Can I help it if the Spotted Owl is a finicky eater and insists on larger home territories than yours truly? Can I help it if I am more aggressive than Strix occidentalis, by nature, as it were? First, you guys tell us that it's survival of the fittest out here, and then you blame me for being the fittest. Humph!
Let me add, however, that all bets are off about this government culling plan on account of the regime change in Washington, D.C. It will be remembered that the current potentate -- oops, I mean the current president -- was never interested in saving the Spotted Owl to begin with, so the culling operation may not be going forward any time soon. You might think that I would have been reassured by such considerations and I was... until I reflected that the president in question is not in any hurry to protect we Barred Owls, either. I wouldn't be surprised if he approved of a culling operation for both Barred Owls AND Spotted Owls.
I guess what I'm saying here is, the political situation, like my nest cavities, is up in the air, so I would ask you to avoid politics in the questions that you ask me this morning, fair enough?
First question, please.
I am told that you Barred Owls have a distinctive call? Could you tell us what that is?
What cave have YOU been hiding under! I thought everyone knew our famous call. Well, I guess you didn't get the memo. I'll give you our famous owl call on 3, then. 1, 2, 3... "Who cooks for you? Who cooks for you-all!?"
Bravo!
Of course, we make a lot of other calls too -- including one that sounds like hysterical laughter.
Cool. Could you demonstrate?
I would be delighted. Here's a sample of some of our wacky vocalizations...
Sweet!
Next question.
My sister and I have a bet going on. She says that Barred Owls can have pink feathers. I say that's ridiculous. Can you tell us the truth?
"You can't handle the truth!"
What?
Sorry, I've always wanted to say that. I actually hope that you CAN handle the truth, because guess what? Your sister is right. The feathers under our wings can turn pink whenever we Barred Owls eat too many crayfish.
Oh, I get it. It's sort of like when a flamingo eats shrimp, the beta carotene turns them pink.
Now you're speaking sense. Not that all of us Barred Owls eat crustaceans, of course, but you've got to remember that we Barred Owls are not finicky eaters, so if we happen to be near freshwater creeks and whatnot, then crayfish are definitely going to be on the menu.
Next question.
Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Sure. Fire when ready.
Do you, ahem, mate for life?
Oh, that's easy. I thought you were going to ask me if I was a Mormon or something. Yes, we mate for life. We Barred Owls are all about family values, you know.
ARE you a Mormon, by the way?
Now you're just being silly. Next question, please?
What are some nicknames for the Barred Owl?
Lord help my memory. Let's see, they call us the Eight-Hooter Owl, on account of our trademark call, which more or less contains eight hoots. You know, that "Who Cooks for You" call with which I favored you earlier in this press conference.
Any others nicknames for Barred Owls?
We also have been graced with the appellations of Striped Owl, Rain Owl, and Round-Headed Owl.
And have you been, ahem, "graced" with any French appellations?
Yes, we have, smart aleck. Humph. If you must know, the French call us "Le Chat-huant du Nord," meaning "the hooting owl of the north.2"
You say you're aggressive, but aren't you actually LESS aggressive than the Great Horned Owl?
Yes, but then who is NOT less aggressive than that oversized hothead of the owl kingdom? The fact is that aggressivity is relative. I am certainly aggressive compared to a Spotted Owl, but I am far less so when confronted with a Great Horned Owl. In fact, do you know what? The Great Horned Owl is one of my fiercest enemies. It will attack my eggs, my fledglings... why, it will even attack yours truly if given the chance.
I'm sorry to hear that. Going back to your vocalizations, though, I hear that you also engage in both squirrel-like barking and monkey-like hooting. Is that true?
Guilty as charged, Your Honor.
I am puzzled.
Speak on.
Your personal name is Black-Eyed Susan, but aren't your eyes actually brown?
Are you criticizing my name?
No, I'm just sayin'...
The fact is that my eyes are a very deep brown, indeed -- so much so that they are often perceived as black.
Oh, okay.
Happy now?
Yes, thank you.
One final question and then I'd better make myself scarce. You never know when some so-called "trained shooter" in the audience is going to take a potshot at yours truly in the name of protecting the Spotted Owl. The government's culling program may not be in effect yet, but the mere existence of such a plan might incite some environmentalists to take action without regulatory approval.
You say you're not a finicky eater.
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
But can you give us an idea of what you actually eat?
Well, we basically eat whatever's available in our immediate environment.
Like what?
Like, for instance... frogs, snakes, crayfish, crabs, grouse, bats, rabbits, voles, squirrels, mice, chipmunks, turtles, opossum, chickens, moles...
What about fish?
Fish, too. And salamanders. And lizards.
Wow.
Great. I am feeling ravenous after rattling off all of those delicacies. That's yet another reason why I should hit the road, Jack.
Speaking of which, don't you Barred Owls get hit by cars a lot?
Thanks for reminding me. Unfortunately, that's true, though. If you don't believe me, just search the Internet for the terms "Barred Owl" and "cars." You'll see news stories about Barred Owls being hit by cars all over the place, in the U.S. and in Canada. It's a regular scandal!
Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for the Barred Owl, Strix varia!
1: U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Finalizes Strategy to Manage Invasive Barred Owls to Protect Imperiled Spotted Owls, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service
2: Barred Owl, Chattahoochee Nature Center
The Winner for Most Invasive Owl Species!
January 19, 2025
Guess who just won a Golden Owl Pellet Award for Most Invasive Owl Species in North America? Yours truly, Strix varia, the Barred Owl! Check it out. Listen to the North American Owl Awards ceremony, live from Tufts University! Oh, I am so proud of myself!
Murder, She Hooted
November 29, 2024
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I would like to defend my species, Strix varia, commonly known as the Barred Owl, against two charges today: first, the murder of Kathleen Peterson, and second, the willful endangerment of another owl species, videlicit the Spotted Owl, aka Strix occidentalis.
As to the first case, I had nothing to do with the murder of the wife of author Michael Peterson. I don't care how many microscopic feathers that his defense attorney claims to have found in the victim's coiffure1. What possible motive could I have had for killing her? Besides, I was being dive-bombed by a murder of crows at the time, if you must know. I do admit to harassing the occasional jogger in the Pacific Northwest2, and I may have appropriated a ball cap or two as I was playfully pursuing them -- all in good, wholesome fun, you understand -- but such attacks generally occur during my mating season, when I am naturally high-strung, and guess what? Our mating season does not begin until March, whereas the murder in question took place in December3.
I rest my case -- or I rest THAT case, at all events.
Incidentally, Judge, if you want to talk about murder, let's talk about the 2023 plans of the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service to kill almost half a million Barred Owls over the next 30 years4. And why? Because we Barred Owls are crowding out the Spotted Owl in the Pacific Northwest, if you please!
What's that, Judge? Yes, I understand: the Fish & Wildlife Service is not on trial here. Yes, I understand. Yes, I will confine my future remarks to the allegations that my species is endangering the Spotted Owl. (All right, already!)
I concede the geographical evidence, Your Honor. My species has definitely taken up abode in the Pacific Northwest and even in parts of Northwestern Canada over the last 50 years. But here's the real question:
How did we Barred Owls get to the Pacific Northwest in the first place, given that our original territory prior to the 1980s was the eastern half of the United States and Canada? I put it to you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, that we were smuggled out there by human beings, present company excepted, of course, in clear violation of the Endangered Species Act of 1973. We are a notoriously sedentary species, after all, and we are not in the habit of dropping everything on a moment's notice and moving to California like the Beverly Hillbillies or whatever.
And now to close my defense of this latter charge, I adduce a relevant quotation from the Bird Feeder Hub website. Ahem, ahem...
"Barred Owls don't migrate with the seasons. In fact, they don't travel much at all, tending to stay within a 6-10 mile radius of their territory5."
So when we showed up in California in the 1980s6, it was no doubt in the back of a pickup truck.
In conclusion, Judge, if we are endangering the Spotted Owl, it is by force of circumstances, and there is nothing willful about it.
I rest my second case. (Ooh, I am good! But then I've always preened myself on my courtroom savvy.)
Now, if I could just say a word about the Fish & Wildlife Service...
No? Okay, fine. No harm in asking.
Editor's Note: I wouldn't dismiss the kidnapping allegation out of hand. The Barred Owl has been around for 11,000 years, and it's interesting that its arrival in the area we now call California occurred less than 50 years ago, not long after the invention of the automobile, at least when that invention is considered against the backdrop of geological time7. Still, most ornithologists have other ideas. In his popular story in Hakai on the Barred Owl's migration, Jude Isabella opines as follows:
"The simplest story is that the owls crossed the Great Plains of the United States, flapping from one patch of trees to the next as arboreal stands emerged from grasslands once routinely shorn by bison and kept clear through fires lit by Indigenous peoples.8"
Meh, could be.
1: Was an Owl the Real Culprit in the Peterson Murder Mystery?, Audubon
2: No, Barred Owls Are Not Trying to Kill You, Audubon
3: Barred Owl Behavioral Habits: Nesting, Mating, Diet, Wild Bird Watching
4: Barred Owl Management, U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service
5: 30 Quick Facts About Barred Owls, Bird Feeder Hub
6: 10 Fun Facts About the Barred Owl, Audubon
7: Barred Owl, Britannica
8: These owls spread from east to west. Not everyone is pleased., Popular Science
copyright 2024 by Brian Quass.
contact: quass@quass.com.